I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
