The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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