I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
