is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
