I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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