she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
