He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
