Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You ruined the universe
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
