mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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