I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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