i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
it was like his penis was on wheels.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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