There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
