its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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