you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize