So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
