Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
