I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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