I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
