a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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