Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
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