I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
