Betty ford says i'm here all night
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
