On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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