fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
