i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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