i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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