dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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