I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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