Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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