If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
