but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
