How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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