is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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