i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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