Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
this just has baby written all over it
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
