haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
