My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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