My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
