dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
