I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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