I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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