apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
