I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
