Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
