My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
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WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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