Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
