The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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