You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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