Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
