Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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