i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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