My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
