Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
