last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
