God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I love having hate sex.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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