just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
