So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
