I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
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