wakey wakey hands off snakey
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Randomize
