he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
